Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
a counterintuitive revolution
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The revolution will be counterintuitive. And silly and naive. And all the other words we use to shroud magic in shame. ~ Alok Vaid-Menon In Shame School we have been exploring the origins of shame, both generally and the specific flavors that live within us. I shared that one of the ways shame becomes internalized is when – as children – we make specific meaning* of whatever overwhelming / distressful / scary / uncomfortable thing happened AND no one corrects or disabuses us of this notion. *Very often the meaning we make is “It’s because of me…I’m bad / wrong.” When this interpretation is not corrected or repaired AND it is reinforced (which it often is) it goes deeper and deeper until it just seems like the truth of who we are. And there it festers. This is a hallmark of the culture of abuse we live in. It can be scary AF to delve into that festering goo of lies and untruths... ...because it feels like it’s our “fault"... ...because we live in a culture that seems to be hell-bent on more shaming, punishment, and “othering”... ...because it’s “easier” to shame than it is to take the time to correct and repair the faulty notion that there’s something inherently wrong with us. Not to mention it’s more convenient and lucrative to leave it the way it is. So we find ourselves trying to take “personal responsibility” for something that’s not ours and was never ours. This only serves to keep us perpetually trying to #1 prove that there’s nothing wrong with us, and #2 fix something that's...not only unfixable, but which isn't ours to fix. No wonder we’re exhausted. This isn't a problem that needs a solution. What it needs is a counterintuitive revolution. That's what I am here for. You? Much, much love, Karen Shame School will come around again. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me now?
The story goes that the Babema Tribe in Zambia has a unique way of handling those who do something hurtful or wrong. When a member of the tribe does wrong, they take him to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him. Then they tell him every good thing he has ever done. Apparently this tribe believes that every human being comes into the world as GOOD, each of us desiring safety, love, peace, happiness. But sometimes in the pursuit of those things, people make mistakes. The community sees these misdeeds as a cry for help. So they band together for the sake of their fellow man, to hold him up, to reconnect him with his true nature, to remind him of who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth from which he’d temporarily been disconnected: “I AM GOOD.” |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
People always talk about how they got hurt, used, abused, and manipulated. Never have I heard anyone say, "I was a villain once to someone." ~ ho.nest.y on Threads This past Sunday I was a villain. Mostly in my head, but a little bit outwardly, too. My husband and I went on a guided tour of the Connecticut College Arboretum, and boy did I have a lot of judgment about this one guy who was there. Y'all should have heard the commentary streaming from my brain! I stood apart from the group, arms...
If you're having a hard time maintaining your boundaries with your mother, try this: Ask yourself how and where she's making you responsible for her emotional experience (and you're unconsciously agreeing with her that it's your job). It's one thing to help her out with practical tasks. It's something else altogether when she expects you to help her manage her emotions. Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts in February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to...
I read Dear Abby pretty much every day. Sometimes my husband (who reads it before I do) will say, "There's a Dear Abby with your name written all over it" when someone writes in about an issue with a family member (often a mother) and at the end asks: "Should I feel guilty?" Or, "Am I overreacting?" Or, "Is it wrong to feel this way?" In my head I say, "Noooo! Don't outsource your emotions! Not even to Dear Abby! You get to decide...do you want to feel guilty? What if none of your feelings...