I read Dear Abby pretty much every day. Sometimes my husband (who reads it before I do) will say, "There's a Dear Abby with your name written all over it" when someone writes in about an issue with a family member (often a mother) and at the end asks:

"Should I feel guilty?"

Or, "Am I overreacting?"

Or, "Is it wrong to feel this way?"

In my head I say, "Noooo! Don't outsource your emotions! Not even to Dear Abby! You get to decide...do you want to feel guilty? What if none of your feelings were wrong?"

But here's the thing: we were socialized to do this. To ask someone else if it's okay to feel the way we actually feel. To not trust how we feel. To make ourselves wrong for how we feel.

Our child nervous systems made the connection over time that certain emotions (both "positive" and "negative") are not okay or even safe...and thus we became fearful and intolerant of them. And when we DO feel them, we need to be reassured. This makes so much sense.

Sometimes it was obvious "Go to your room until you can be civil!" [because I can't handle your anger]

Sometimes it came wrapped in a vague but well-meaning package: "I just want you to be happy! [because if you're not happy then I can't be happy]

It's obviously more nuanced than that and it's a long-standing generational pattern that has its roots in patriarchal, white supremacist, and misogynistic systems. Not to mention it's also partly biology.

We know this and sometimes even participate in it ourselves with our own kids, our partners, our friends...and ourselves.

We can't tolerate our own feelings (and that's not our fault).

This creates anxiety, which some say isn't an emotion, but rather the experience of wanting to run away from feelings we don't like, don't want, or can't tolerate. This can lead to experiencing shame and that messes with our confidence.

It sounds like there's a lot to undo and relearn and heal from and there is. The good news is that it's relatively simple. The bad news is that it takes time and willingness.

Instead of asking yourself, "What do I need to do about these unwanted, intolerable feelings and reactions?" Tweak the question this way: "Can I start a relationship with these feelings and reactions? What would that look like?"

This is one way to create safety around emotions that feel unsafe.

Much, much love,

Karen

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