Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
and round and round it goes
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Have you ever had the experience of telling someone that you felt hurt by something they did and they dismissed you, got defensive, said something like, "I guess I'm just a terrible person!" or gave you a non-apology apology (i.e., "I'm sorry you feel that way")? They did that because they have shame on board that they're unaware of and it's so painful that their stress responses kick in. Some people call that narcissism. Maybe you've had a similar experience with someone telling you they felt hurt by something you did and you didn't handle it the way you wanted to. I know I have...many times! Because I had shame on board that I was unaware of. I wrote about two significant times in my life when I did this in You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame. Once with my sister and once with my stepdaughter. Becoming aware of and working with our shame helps us not be jerks to people we love when they tell us we've done or said something hurtful. And it helps us not be jerks to ourselves, which in turn helps us not be jerks to people we love...and round and round it goes. Related: 15 Ways To Be More Vulnerable Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School is coming! Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me now?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
People always talk about how they got hurt, used, abused, and manipulated. Never have I heard anyone say, "I was a villain once to someone." ~ ho.nest.y on Threads This past Sunday I was a villain. Mostly in my head, but a little bit outwardly, too. My husband and I went on a guided tour of the Connecticut College Arboretum, and boy did I have a lot of judgment about this one guy who was there. Y'all should have heard the commentary streaming from my brain! I stood apart from the group, arms...
If you're having a hard time maintaining your boundaries with your mother, try this: Ask yourself how and where she's making you responsible for her emotional experience (and you're unconsciously agreeing with her that it's your job). It's one thing to help her out with practical tasks. It's something else altogether when she expects you to help her manage her emotions. Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts in February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to...
I read Dear Abby pretty much every day. Sometimes my husband (who reads it before I do) will say, "There's a Dear Abby with your name written all over it" when someone writes in about an issue with a family member (often a mother) and at the end asks: "Should I feel guilty?" Or, "Am I overreacting?" Or, "Is it wrong to feel this way?" In my head I say, "Noooo! Don't outsource your emotions! Not even to Dear Abby! You get to decide...do you want to feel guilty? What if none of your feelings...