Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
don't let 'em yuck your yum
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No sense shaming the shamer so I corrected this... ...but the sentiment is near and dear to my heart. One of the students in Shame School shared this the other day (and gave me permission to share it): "I'm too happy. I'm too easily excited. This makes me annoying to others. I start comparing how everyone else seems so calm and I'm just too happy, too smiley, too loud - too much (images flash of having my father and stepmother roll their eyes at me)" I, too, was shamed for my happiness, excitement, and joy...and my god do I have feelings about that. I've shared the story about how, about 15+ years ago, my mother gave me the finger when I smiled at her through a window. I don't remember what happened next because – although I didn't know it at the time – I froze. High alert. It's not safe to be happy, silly, joyful, or excited around my mother. What I DO remember is that later I was both furious and devastated, a familiar set of emotions when it came to my mother. I told anyone who would listen what she had done. The responses from others ranged from shock ("What kind of mother does that??!")... ...to practical ("That's about her not you.")... ...to quizzical ("Why are you taking it so personally? I would have laughed if my mother did that."). I logically knew her behavior wasn't personal, but in the moment I couldn't access logic because my body perceived a threat. So I spread a thick layer of shame over the situation. "I shouldn't have taken it so personally. How pathetic am I? I read The Four Agreements. I should know better." The more I shamed myself, the more I kept myself in survival/stress mode, the more I kept myself small and hidden. "...shame produces trauma and trauma often produces paralysis." ~ bell hooks ~~~ We're told "don't take it personally" but we're not taught that our body's intelligence perceives whatever "it" is differently. And when that happens, we beat ourselves up because we didn't stand up for ourselves or laugh it off. We shame ourselves, sometimes subtly, but the harm is still done. We remain paralyzed. Here's a counterintuitive way address the part of you experiencing shame. Place your hand over your heart and repeat after me: "Of COURSE I'm taking it personally...it makes all the sense in the world that I'd do that! How about I just let myself be human?" Notice how it lands in your body when you say that, what a relief it is to be truly kind to yourself, to validate how you actually feel and not make yourself wrong for it, and see what happens, longer term, as a result. This is what it means to send cues of safety to your body, and when your body feels safe, you can finally stop taking it so personally. Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts in February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to work with me now?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
People always talk about how they got hurt, used, abused, and manipulated. Never have I heard anyone say, "I was a villain once to someone." ~ ho.nest.y on Threads This past Sunday I was a villain. Mostly in my head, but a little bit outwardly, too. My husband and I went on a guided tour of the Connecticut College Arboretum, and boy did I have a lot of judgment about this one guy who was there. Y'all should have heard the commentary streaming from my brain! I stood apart from the group, arms...
If you're having a hard time maintaining your boundaries with your mother, try this: Ask yourself how and where she's making you responsible for her emotional experience (and you're unconsciously agreeing with her that it's your job). It's one thing to help her out with practical tasks. It's something else altogether when she expects you to help her manage her emotions. Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts in February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to...
I read Dear Abby pretty much every day. Sometimes my husband (who reads it before I do) will say, "There's a Dear Abby with your name written all over it" when someone writes in about an issue with a family member (often a mother) and at the end asks: "Should I feel guilty?" Or, "Am I overreacting?" Or, "Is it wrong to feel this way?" In my head I say, "Noooo! Don't outsource your emotions! Not even to Dear Abby! You get to decide...do you want to feel guilty? What if none of your feelings...