Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
your anger is a part of you that loves you
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I am watching Ted Lasso for the third time. The other night I watched the episode in which Sam Obisanya's restaurant is trashed, and his father Ola (for whom the restaurant is named) says: "Don't fight back, fight forward." It's an eloquent way of describing the difference between anger that is wielded intentionally from a place of self-respect and anger that is borne of shame. It reminded me of something I call the fury-devastation-shame cycle. Someone says or does something and within the course of a few seconds or minutes, you find yourself furious, then devastated, then experiencing shame. I call it impotent rage. I've also heard it described as "toothless" anger. There's a difference between the anger you feel when you're making someone's words or behavior mean you don't deserve respect (and if you do this, it's not because there's something wrong with you, it's because you learned it wasn't safe to do otherwise)... ...and the anger you feel when you are being treated disrespectfully AND you are grounded in dignity and self-respect. The former tends to be explosive, volcanic, long-lasting. You stoke it and ruminate over it and ultimately feel powerless with it. The latter tends to be fast and clean-burning. You know what to do with it. It's NO! Or STOP IT! Or, it's a turning away...a withdrawing of your energy from that person. There is nothing wrong with withdrawing your energy. There's nothing wrong with wielding your anger when necessary...and considering what it's like to act from that fast, cleaning-burning anger. This is what we explore in Shame School. Because your anger is a part of you that loves you. Grrrrr... Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts in February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Shame School is for the wild ones who were almost (but not quite) broken. It's for those who were told to rein it in and taught to play small. Who want to know and experience and love themselves as as they are. To be a model of that. Who want to run their own show without shame calling the shots. It's for the HellCats. Want to work with me privately?
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Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
When my husband and I got engaged in 1997, my mother had just met the man who would become her third husband. They had a whirlwind romance and as we planned for our wedding, my mother suggested we have a joint wedding. I had the wherewithal to say no. She then asked if, instead of throwing my bouquet to all the single women at my wedding that I give it to her. I hadn't planned on a bouquet toss (I am not big on tradition) so I made a show of giving it to her during our reception. She and her...
People always talk about how they got hurt, used, abused, and manipulated. Never have I heard anyone say, "I was a villain once to someone." ~ ho.nest.y on Threads This past Sunday I was a villain. Mostly in my head, but a little bit outwardly, too. My husband and I went on a guided tour of the Connecticut College Arboretum, and boy did I have a lot of judgment about this one guy who was there. Y'all should have heard the commentary streaming from my brain! I stood apart from the group, arms...
If you're having a hard time maintaining your boundaries with your mother, try this: Ask yourself how and where she's making you responsible for her emotional experience (and you're unconsciously agreeing with her that it's your job). It's one thing to help her out with practical tasks. It's something else altogether when she expects you to help her manage her emotions. Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts in February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to...