Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
countering the bowed posture of shame
|
When my husband and I got engaged in 1997, my mother had just met the man who would become her third husband. They had a whirlwind romance and as we planned for our wedding, my mother suggested we have a joint wedding. I had the wherewithal to say no. She then asked if, instead of throwing my bouquet to all the single women at my wedding that I give it to her. I hadn't planned on a bouquet toss (I am not big on tradition) so I made a show of giving it to her during our reception. She and her husband were married six months later. This past weekend I came across a candid picture of my mother and me at her wedding reception. There we are, our hands holding our forks the same way, our eyes cast downward at whatever it was were eating. She in the foreground, me by her side. My body language says it all. Just looking at it I can feel myself shrinking, my body curling inward, my head bowed, almost like a turtle trying to pull its head inside its shell. But still in lockstep with her. It would be another 12 years before I consciously started to take back my life, and my power, from her. That I had given it to her in the first place makes all the sense in the world to me now, but I shamed myself for years because in my mind, "letting her" have that power meant I was weak, pathetic, passive, and ineffectual. What I know now is that "letting her" have that power was a highly intelligent adaptation my body made to keep me alive. Her fight was too much for my nervous system so it "chose" freeze/flop. It knew that fighting back would never work. Which isn't to say I had no fight in me. I just turned it inward and hurt myself, quite literally. Unshaming anger, and learning that it is a part of me that loves me and that I can trust (and more importantly be safe with) it has made all the difference. I shared the photo in Shame School the other day and mentioned that when I Silent Disco on the Boardwalk (video!!), I tend to lift my head towards the sky. My body is naturally countering the bowed posture of shame with a posture of joy. Much, much love, Karen P.S. #1 Check out this conversation I had with Jen Vertanen host of the Your Best Damn Life podcast. We talk about the "Shame Box" method for dealing with internalized shame, how to break generational cycles of shame and self-doubt, the 6 N's framework for shame resilience, why "fixing" shame doesn't work (and what to do instead), navigating complex mother-daughter relationships, and practical strategies for self-compassion and healing. P.S. #2 My friend Julie Fingersh wrote a generous, funny, and touching memoir called Stay. It is a story about "family, love, and other traumas," will help readers dealing with "family secrets and mental and physical health issues feel less alone," and has received advanced praise from the likes of Anne Lamott, Gretchen Rubin, and Harville Hendrix. |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
People always talk about how they got hurt, used, abused, and manipulated. Never have I heard anyone say, "I was a villain once to someone." ~ ho.nest.y on Threads This past Sunday I was a villain. Mostly in my head, but a little bit outwardly, too. My husband and I went on a guided tour of the Connecticut College Arboretum, and boy did I have a lot of judgment about this one guy who was there. Y'all should have heard the commentary streaming from my brain! I stood apart from the group, arms...
If you're having a hard time maintaining your boundaries with your mother, try this: Ask yourself how and where she's making you responsible for her emotional experience (and you're unconsciously agreeing with her that it's your job). It's one thing to help her out with practical tasks. It's something else altogether when she expects you to help her manage her emotions. Much, much love, Karen The second round of Shame School starts in February 2025. Click here to get on the wait list. Want to...
I read Dear Abby pretty much every day. Sometimes my husband (who reads it before I do) will say, "There's a Dear Abby with your name written all over it" when someone writes in about an issue with a family member (often a mother) and at the end asks: "Should I feel guilty?" Or, "Am I overreacting?" Or, "Is it wrong to feel this way?" In my head I say, "Noooo! Don't outsource your emotions! Not even to Dear Abby! You get to decide...do you want to feel guilty? What if none of your feelings...