Question from a reader:

I’m in an endless battle with a narcissistic mother. Despite almost three years of therapy and years of inner work, the psychological damage that I have continues to fester, and I feel I am losing control of a life I never even figured out how to live. I’m also a writer, although my work lives in the notes app on my iPad. How do I stop letting this thought – I’ll only have peace when she’s dead – paralyze me? It can’t be true.

Dear Adult Daughter...

You're right, it's not true that you can only have peace when she's dead. Or that you can only express yourself when she's dead.

But right now there's a part of you (an intelligent part) that doesn't believe that. To that part it feels true. So it makes complete sense that you feel paralyzed because that part thinks you're safer if you don't "move."

While you can't delete that thought from your brain, you can change the way you relate to yourself when your brain (inevitably) offers that thought to you and/or when your body holds its breath and freezes.

You've already taken the first step, which is to Notice the thought and how it feels in your body and impacts you. The next steps are Name, Normalize, Neutralize, and Next.

(Notice/Name/Normalize/Neutralize is part of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy framework...this is my interpretation)

Name your experience. Say it out loud or write it (writing is how some of us know ourselves). You've already taken this step, too. Keep doing it.

Normalize that you have this experience. This doesn't mean saying it's okay that your mother has harmed and mistreated you and continues to do so. It just means you're no longer focused on her and why she is the way she is, and why she does the things she does.

You know what she did (and continues to do), you know it's not good for you, and you know she will probably do it again.

Normalizing your experience creates some peace because you stop focusing your energy on her and/or trying to fix something that is not yours to fix. You are focused on you instead.

Neutralize (unshame) the sensations/emotions. Your body, with all its infinite wisdom, will continue to feel (until you die). You will continue, from time to time, to feel paralyzed, hurt, triggered, reactive, angry, etc. The Neutralize step helps you no longer think there's something wrong with you when that happens. It allows you to meet yourself where you are instead of where you think you should be.

That's what dissolves the shame we tend to heap on emotional experiences that are unpleasant or uncomfortable.

When you're no longer labeling your emotions as good or bad or right or wrong, you're able to meet yourself in that paralyzed place. Or that angry place. Or that grieving place. You're able to see your instincts, emotions, and bodily responses as brilliant rather than shameful.

Next. What do you want to do next? Are there boundaries you want to put in place? Do you want to go no contact? What's next for you? Do you want to start a blog where you can share your writing?

You have something to say. You have a voice. Do not wait until she's dead to use it. Peace is yours. Now.

Much, much love,

Karen

I help women navigate complex relationships with their mothers (narcissistic or not), so they can live the lives THEY want, not the lives their mothers think they should have. I also have a place in my practice for mothers who want to repair the relationship they have with their adult daughters (although I can't guarantee how your adult daughter will respond).