Question from an adult daughter:

My mother wasn't a nasty, abusive mother, but she didn't protect me or my brother from my father who (due to C-PTSD/personality disorder) was intolerant and verbally abusive. As well, she was "politely" neglectful. From age five it was up to me to get myself to school on a public bus. I went to five schools before I was 12, and when I had an eating disorder age 16, I went to the hospital alone. She was too busy to collect me after a day of grueling interventions, so I got two public buses home. She was unable to acknowledge me or ground me through these upheavals.

I've been partially estranged since I left home at 18 (I'm now 57). I've had a lot of therapy and done a lot of grieving particularly since the pandemic. She's now 83 and seems to want some kind of relationship with me, but it's hard to force myself to be around her. I'm resentful that there seems to be nothing in it for me (other than soothing my own conscience) and then I feel ashamed that I'm not more compassionate.

When I talk to her she either denies any of this happened or says I should just get over it and 'be positive' which is the last thing I want to do. I want to be real, I don't want to be positive and I resent colluding with the fantasy that it's all okay.

Can you help me make sense of the hurt and confusion that stems from neglect from a mother who wasn't and isn't overtly abusive?

Dear Adult Daughter...

Of COURSE you are confused and hurt and resentful. The person who was supposed to protect and nurture you did the opposite, and to this day denies your experience. It makes 100% sense that you feel this way.

Not protecting a child who is being abused, is abuse.

Neglect is traumatic.

Not being a compassionate witness to abuse and trauma is shaming.

Telling your adult daughter to "get over it" and be "positive" about the abuse she experienced is...abusive.

You were taught that if it wasn't "that bad" or overt, and you're still struggling or hurt or confused, it's a "you" problem.

No. NO!

The problem is abuse and the culture of abuse that is upheld by institutions and systems that blame and shame victims of abuse (and have for millennia) and how many of us have internalized it and perpetuate it against ourselves.

If your mother had been a compassionate witness, she would have told your father, "Stop it! This is wrong. This is not okay!"

She would have told you, "It's not okay for anyone to treat you that way, not even your father...ESPECIALLY not your father."

Instead your mother made YOU wrong because the abuse happened, rather than seeing the abuse itself as wrong.

Sure we can guess why: she was dependent on an abusive man and couldn't leave because she had no resources, so in order to remain safe, she put up with it and allowed him to abuse you and your brother.

"...she 'can't' have these conversations. She can't acknowledge her own trauma or choose to do her own healing work because her nervous system has been hijacked, and even though the tools are now available to her too, she won't use them. She has created a narcissistic shield to protect herself from her own shame, fear, and deep sadness or grief. ~ from You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame​

It's why she insists on denying you now. It's not safe for her to acknowledge what happened. The vulnerability is too much.

And you are not – and never were – responsible for her safety, physically or emotionally.

You don't have to force yourself to be around her simply because you understand and can explain why she treated you the way she did.

You don't have to tolerate behavior that she doesn't intend to be malicious, harmful, or "overtly" abusive, but feels that way to you.

Unshame your experience. Continue to grieve. Be real. Cultivate compassion for yourself first by meeting yourself where you are. Maintain healthy boundaries.

And when you're ready, find joy where YOU want to find it.

Much, much love,

Karen

I help adults navigate and heal from complex relationships with their mothers (narcissistic or not), so they can live unshamed.