I was honored to participate last week in Avaiya University's Recovering From Narcissistic Parents & Healing Past Family Trauma event (speaking of which there is one last chance to tune into classes with me and other relationship experts this week. So it's not too late to register, and once you do, you will receive an email with a link to watch the classes once the replays begin).

One of the things I said in my class is that we often feel so much guilt when we try to set healthy boundaries with our mothers, but that setting boundaries isn't actually harmful.

Our mothers may not like it. They may not agree. Their egos may perceive hurt. Their nervous systems may perceive a threat that's not actually there. <------- all of which makes sense because mothers are human!

But she won't be harmed in the true sense of the word.

In response to that particular message, I received this comment from a mother who's adult daughter has estranged herself:

"Just watched your talk on a Avaiya and I need to disagree with your comment that you are not hurting your mother when you create boundaries. The number of parents I have met in support groups who have been suicidal is staggering. 'No contact' puts the parent into a spiral that is extremely dangerous."

I wanted to share my response.

~~~

Thank you for your comment. I don't doubt that parents feel hurt. In fact, one of my husband's adult sons is estranged from us and we've experienced myriad painful emotions. But he is not hurting us or making us feel those emotions.

To imply that an adult child is responsible for whether or not their parent is suicidal is dangerous. Putting that kind of pressure on their adult children may likely be why they are setting the boundaries or going "no contact" in the first place.

Adult children are not responsible for their parents' emotional lives. Full stop.

Emotional maturity and regulation is a process not a destination...it's something I am STILL learning and practicing.

No one (at least no one I know) enjoys unpleasant emotions. But subjecting others to manipulation, control, or abuse because we can't cope with the unpleasant sensations we have in our bodies (i.e. emotions) is something many adult children are not willing to do any more.

We can see this generationally. Older generations say things like "I was whupped and I turned out okay...I respected my parents...kids these days are a bunch of wussies!" Younger generations are like, "Ah, yeah, no thanks, I'm out." (Yes, these are two massive generalizations but you get my point).

My genuine hope is that any parent who finds themselves suffering in this way seeks help. This is what taking responsibility means and it can be (but isn't always) the beginning of repairing a rupture between a parent and their adult child.

I did this work for myself when I saw what was happening in several of my own relationships, including with my younger sister and my stepdaughter (I write about it in You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame). I sat with and processed incredibly painful emotions when I saw the way my emotional immaturity was impacting these relationships. There is so much freedom for all of us and our relationships are much more authentic, clear...and fun!

Bottom line: children, adult or otherwise, can't do that work for their parents.

~~~

She appreciated my response and I was grateful for the dialog that happened as a result.

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. Don't forget...you can catch the 48-hour replay of Recovering From Narcissistic Parents & Healing Past Family Trauma by clicking here.