"When you fall apart, don't forget to love the pieces." ~ Bayo Akomolafe

I had a panic attack late Saturday night.

Heart pounding. Shallow breathing. Body tense and buzzing. Hot. Cold. Hot. Sick feeling in stomach. Cold. Dry mouth. Difficulty swallowing.

All because my husband sat up abruptly in bed (which woke me up) after having a brief bout of heartburn. He then remained sitting up for a while.

The trigger? One time(!) a long time ago he was sitting up in bed in the middle of the night because he was nauseated and needed to vomit. Not to mention recent news reports about "rampant" Norovirus in the northeast (U.S.).

(those who've known me a long time know about my journey with this specific anxiety – emetophobia –
and how at one point 15+ years ago I thought I might become someone who doesn't leave her house...IYKYK)

My body has kept the score.

Although I logically know a vomiting husband doesn't pose a serious threat...

...and my anxiety has been greatly reduced overall after menopause...

...and I have unshamed my body's reactions and responses...

...my body "remembers" something different and it creates sensations in my body that I don't like having.

*I* felt sick. I thought *I* might vomit.

I didn't like it. I hated it, actually. I very much would have preferred not to feel it.

But feel it I did.

I didn't try to get rid of it other than focusing on my breathing, naming what I was noticing in my body, and reminding myself that I am safe.

Eventually the sensations subsided but I couldn't sleep so I settled in with a good book on my Kindle.

I was grouchy the next morning. Coffee helped.

And then I was given the gift of the ocean and a long walk on the beach with people (and dogs) I love.

The waves were pounding, the air was clean and full of salty ions, and it was 60 degrees (not bad for March 3 in New England). The breeze cleared the fog out of my brain and awareness popped in as I walked the mile-and-a-half spit of land on the Atlantic Ocean known as Napatree Point. And back (definitely got 10,000 steps in that day).

The panic attack was revelatory because it showed me my emotional maturity.

I used to spend so much time and energy trying to control my husband (and others) in order to avoid feeling feelings I don't like. If there was any hint of stomach sickness or chance that someone might get sick, I went into full control and manipulation mode so I could avoid anxiety (of course I did...how human of me*) not seeing how much more anxiety I was creating for myself. Not to mention how unpleasant it was for my husband.

I noticed how slippery the slope is from "trying to control and manipulate others"...to "resenting them when I can't control them."

Because that's what seemed to happen when my mother realized she couldn't control me and mold me into the perfect, thin, "healthy," intellectual, non-emotional, productive, over-achieving, serious daughter she wanted (to reflect well upon her).

Instead she ended up with messy, emotional, exuberant, creative, chubby, silly me and thus experienced feelings she didn't like...and that made her resent me. She often seemed repulsed by me and blamed me for it.

I didn't try to control my husband so I could avoid anxiety, and I didn't blame him for having heartburn and sitting up in bed, which triggered a panic attack in me...I just let the anxiety be there.

Emotional maturity is a process not a destination.

This is the kind of work we do in the Mother Lode (1:1 coaching). Yes, it's about the practical aspects of the relationship you have with your mother (or adult daughter), but it's also about truly liking and respecting yourself and the way you show up in your relationships.

If this is something you're serious about doing, but have questions you'd like to ask first, hit reply on this email or click here to schedule a free 30-minute conversation.

Much, much love,

Karen

*Anticipatory anxiety (which is often what happens with emetophobia and other seemingly "irrational" fears) seems necessary even though it feels terrible. It seemingly keeps us safe, but requires SO much energy and leaves us feeling exhausted, sad, confused, and unable to take meaningful action.

It's not your fault and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

It is helpful to slow down get curious. "What's going on in my body? What is the threat my body perceives? What sensations do I feel? What emotions? What thoughts are buzzing through my head? What does my body want to do? How can I be with the parts of myself that are experiencing anxiety? What cues of safety can I send to my body?"