[Pre-S: Tomorrow, September 7, is the last day to register for Shame School]

"...I've been struggling with my decision to remain no contact with my mom because I was partly using your continued contact with your mom against myself."

"You had it so much worse than I..."

"I just learned how to stop taking her words so personally and then I was able to have a relationship with her."

"I am completely estranged from my mother and I am at peace...no guilt."

These are things said to me, by adult daughters, about the relationship they have with their mothers, in response to things I've said about the relationship I have with my mother.

And then there's this one (not said directly to me; the woman who said it was a speaker at an event I attended):

"Yes, my mother literally tried to kill me, she pulled out a gun and stuck in my face, and now I am her caregiver*..."

(*not a hands-on caregiver, her mother is in a nursing home)

As I listened to her story, I felt myself tighten with apprehension and a bit defensiveness.

Because this woman was apparently about to share some pretty potent magic about how an adult daughter could go from...

...her mother threatening her by sticking a gun in her face

...to deciding to take care of her mother

...and not be seething with resentment

...and not because she's afraid of being swallowed whole by guilt

...or out of some false sense of duty

...or because someone said to her, "you only have one mother" or any of the other asinine things people say to adult daughters who have limited or no contact with their mothers.

Inside I was thinking, "What does she know that I don't know??!"

There was no magic.

She's not doing it because she has somehow transcended her humanity and is now a selfless, spiritually evolved saint. She hasn't turned into a robot void of emotion set to run on a program. She still has a nervous system that gets triggered.

She's doing it because she's leaning into her values as she defines them, she's maintaining awesome boundaries, and she's giving herself permission to change her mind about any part of it at any time.

She's taking care of herself in that relationship.

In other words, she's clean and clear about her decision, she likes her reasons for her decision, and she sees growth in herself that she wants to experience.

She's not doing it for her mother or because. She's not doing anything she doesn't want to do.

Because here's the thing: YOU are not a selfless, spiritually evolved saint nor are YOU a robot void of emotion set to run on a program, and you still have a nervous system that will get triggered.

You are a living, breathing, growing, evolving, mind-changing human.

Sometimes growth and evolution means going no-contact. Sometimes it means re-establishing contact with healthy boundaries in place. Sometimes it means stepping in and becoming a legal guardian. Sometimes it means taking a break and not seeing or talking to your mother for six months. Sometimes it means you sit at her bedside and hold her hand as she dies. Or not. It means telling the truth at her funeral. Sometimes it means calling every two weeks. Sometimes it means not doing that any more.

Because most of our "final" decisions are made in a state of mind that isn't going to last (thank you Marcel Proust).

You get to change your mind as many times as you want to.

You get to want what you want, and to not want what you don't want.

Because ultimately, there is no magic thing you can do or say that will make the woman who gave birth to you (or who adopted you or raised you) transform into the healthy, loving mother you want her to be. I both hate that so much...and find it to be such a relief.

Much, much love,

Karen

Shame School starts next week on Tuesday, September 10. Register on or before September 7 to hold your spot.