"I refuse to be the oppressor to keep her safe." ~ Yolanda Williams, founder of the Parenting Decolonized podcast and community talking about parenting her daughter in this interview with Tanya Mosley, correspondent for NPR's Here & Now.
Yolanda Williams drops all the truthbombs...it is a MUST listen.
But the quote I highlighted above made me cheer out loud because it points to a dynamic many mothers find themselves in: (unconsciously) shaming/oppressing/traumatizing their children to keep them "in line" and safe from those in the world who would hurt or even kill them if they don't conform. And for people of color, that meant their whole physical being.
Parenting Decolonized is for black caregivers who are breaking the cycle of racial trauma. And everyone can learn.
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“Right now you are probably thinking: 'But you are idealizing mothers and motherhood. Many mothers are controlling. Some mothers are cruel. Others are depressed and disinterested in their children. Many of us bear the scars of bad mothering.
'Yes,' I answer, 'but you are describing mothers in patriarchy. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that motherhood is or should be their only role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been isolated in the home. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been deprived of help in the mothering role. You are describing mothering by mothers who have been taught that nurturing life is at best a secondary value'.” ~ Carol P. Christ in Do We Have To Hate Our Mothers? No, We Do Not!
When I think about a world where women are valued equally, I see a world where difficult mother-daughter relationships are rare.
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Laura Davis, author of The Burning Light of Two Stars: A Mother-Daughter Story and I had a fabulous conversation with Roseanne Corcoran, host of Daughterhood: The Podcast for Caregivers. Have a listen!
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Speaking of fabulous conversations, award-winning singer/songwriter and mindset coach Belinda Smith and I had one on her Money B.S. podcast. At the end she challenges me to a spelling bee, bringing me back to my days as a plastics industry trade magazine editor, and we also discuss roving impregnators (seriously) and giggle.
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In Part 4 of Walking The Path Of Estrangement: Welcoming Yourself Home, host Jill Bacharach speaks with Harriet Brown, author of several books including Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement. This virtual event takes place Wednesday, March 16 at 5 p.m. Eastern. Click here to learn more and register.
Much, much love,
Karen
Listen to the Dear Adult Daughter Podcast
Mentor to women who wish to take the lead in the relationship they have with their mothers.
This morning I found out that I don't have breast cancer. I had been waiting for the news since August 28, which is when I had two stereotactic core needle biopsies on my right breast (two separate locations). As the days turned into more than a week of waiting for the news and the potential to have to wait through another weekend, I found myself in a weird dichotomy where two seemingly incompatible things were true at the same time. #1 My life is pretty damned amazing right now. #2 I might...
[Pre-S: Tomorrow, September 7, is the last day to register for Shame School] "...I've been struggling with my decision to remain no contact with my mom because I was partly using your continued contact with your mom against myself." "You had it so much worse than I..." "I just learned how to stop taking her words so personally and then I was able to have a relationship with her." "I am completely estranged from my mother and I am at peace...no guilt." These are things said to me, by adult...
Raise your hand if you've ever tried to mindset-shift or thought-work your way out of a problem. Raise your hand if you've ever tried to manifest or vision-board the perfect body, job, partner, money. Raise your hand if you've ever tried to positive-affirmation yourself into "your best life." Raise your hand if it didn't work. Raise your hand if you experienced shame ("there must be something wrong with me") as a result. Raising my hand! When you have internalized shame it's nearly impossible...